Where do I begin? It’s been several months, but I’m finally back in a place where I feel like I can indulge in writing again. So much has happened over these past few months, but the biggest news is… I am PREGNANT!! I’m excited, a little scared, and incredibly grateful.
My husband and I worked very hard for this pregnancy. We decided to use embryos we had previously created, which meant working with a fertility clinic here in Japan while coordinating with my former clinic back in the US. It was a multitasking feat. I was the middlewoman because the two clinics did not interact directly. My American clinic developed a plan, and I worked with the Japan clinic to carry it out. After one canceled cycle, and countless weeks of appointments with Japanese doctors, working through translators, and staying up for late-night calls with my US team, I was finally ready for an embryo transfer. So, we packed our bags and took a family trip home to visit during the week of the procedure.
Within 24 hours of landing, I was at my US doctor’s office to continue appointments that had started in Japan. But then came the crushing news. This cycle had to be canceled due to my body behaving unpredictably. Such are the breaks of doing a natural transfer cycle, which was my only option. Talk about disappointment … .I had just flown fourteen hours with a toddler that was bored with all the toys I had brought within the first hour, and refused to sleep. I am, however, happy to report that my meditation practice paid off, and helped to keep my spirits up so I didn’t completely spiral into a puddle of despair…that came later. Instead, I focused on enjoying time with family. It was such a joy to watch Sunshine see, in-person, the people she usually only sees on FaceTime. We had a really nice visit home, filled with great memories and lots of photos. But during this time, I was also scrambling to make care arrangements for Sunshine, and buy new plane tickets, so I could return to the US just two weeks after this visit to try the procedure again.
Exactly two weeks later, I flew back to the US, alone this time, where I planned to stay until I could have a successful transfer. I ended up leaving my daughter and husband for a month. It was heartbreaking and lonely to be so far away from them, and for so long. But on the other hand, it was the first time I had traveled alone in years. That was the only shining spot in this whole ordeal. I thoroughly indulged in the airport lounge, and breezed through the airport and my flight in my noise canceling headphones. It was lovely, and for a moment felt a little like old times.
Meanwhile, my husband, who during this time became a single father (but with a full time nanny…-_-.), got a taste of my “normal”. He began to refer to his solo weekends when the nanny was off, as “the grind”. I found that both amusing and validating. I’m kind of glad he got to experience full days of Sunshine.
After the transfer finally happened, I was back on a plane to Japan within 24 hours. Ten days later, we got the call: it worked! Thank God! But then a few weeks later I was hit with brutal morning sickness, I had forgotten just how bad the first trimester could be. I didn’t remember it being that bad with my first ray of Sunshine, but according to my husband it was, which just confirms that mommy brain is very real. For a little over 2 months I was hunched over the toilet, afraid to leave the house, unable to eat or drink anything, while struggling to fight off depression, and trying to look and be normal to keep my secret a secret. I survived. Now here I am, 7 months pregnant, going through hell that is potty training, while excitedly picking names, and preparing for a new baby at 42 years old. Although this journey has been exhausting and unpredictable, marked by incredible lows, it has led to a beautiful high and I’m excited to see how this path will continue to unfold.